Tough Times

Lately it's been hard to remind myself that our current struggles are temporary. I feel like I've gotten into a routine of up and down moments, of dreading social situations that will be painful - then being relieved they're over - then dreading the next event, of tearing up at random times, of avoiding T.V. shows that include pregnancy or babies, of noticing babies who were probably born in early January, and of "hiding" friends and acquaintances who announce their pregnancies on Facebook in order to avoid the inevitable pain of their status updates.

That's one of things about this whole situation that makes me the angriest at the world - that because of what we're going through, I haven't been able to enjoy the blessings of others as much as I want. For years I couldn't wait until my friends had children. I couldn't wait to throw baby showers, visit the hospital, see their pictures, everything. And now because of the pain I've been through, I'm not able to experience all of those things with complete joy. Instead I feel a mix of happiness for them and sadness for me. Then I feel guilty that I'm not 100% as joyous as they are. And after a year, it's beginning to feel like normal. I can't remember the last time a pregnancy announcement didn't hurt deep down inside.

I try to stay as busy as possible around the house and at work because the quiet times are the most difficult. On a car ride home, or when trying to fall asleep, my mind begins to wander and I always think about Jules and Devon. Always. Sometimes I am able to think about something else or remind myself that one day we'll have another baby...a baby we'll be able to hold. Then there are the days when I have a hard time remaining positive and hopeful. The monthly effort to get pregnant and the let down you feel when you are unsuccessful can be so defeating. Everyone says that you have to stay positive, you have to believe that you will get pregnant soon and that next time everything will be okay. But so far, that's been wrong every time. Everything hasn't been okay. Sometimes I feel like I'm being naive to stay positive.

(A side note to my dear friends who are pregnant or recently had children: I hope you know that I LOVE you and your children SO MUCH. I am truly happy for you. My feelings of sadness have nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I can't wait for the day when I can hear about every minute detail of the things I am missing out on now. I hope you can understand.)